Ever since I got into the house I have been doing everything but the one thing I had purposed to do, which is write today’s post then go to bed early. It feels like an impossible thing to do, always failing at it. I even went ahead took a long hot shower, because my body, especially my toes and finger tips were frozen. Also, I don’t think I will ever get used to the cold weather. It’s just one of those things that you constantly feel and you can’t help but talk about. Not that doing it will help reduce the cold or anything, but the fact that you’ve mentioned it makes you feel slightly better, maybe. It makes for a good conversation starter by the way — “Gah! It’s been sooo cold lately.” “Yeah, it’s even gotten to as low as 13o.” And just like that you can drag this weather conversation on and on. We have so many things to say about it! At least I do. Like how a hot shower is the perfect way to defrost your body. Now you know.
Anyhow, the thing I wanted to share about today is emotions. I have been fortunate to finally be around people who are very allowing when it comes to displaying and expressing emotions. Now, here’s the thing, I am a very loving person (I believe) and I express my love for people very easily. By the way, if I love you, I just do and that’s that and I will try my best to show you through my actions. I am not embarrassed to say it and I don’t think it’s a big deal. I don’t think someone has to wait for a lifetime to know whether they love someone or not. And love is not just for lovers, it’s for friends, it’s for family. What differentiates it for me is how you display the affection towards each, because it’s different. Not the overall meaning of it.
But that’s not the kind of emotion I am on about.
I am talking about the emotions that make you feel things. The kind that makes you feel like a needy human, whether it’s towards your lover or friends. Now, as easily as I love, I find it difficult to express my emotions in that sense. I’m constantly walking on hot coal when it comes to emotions. There’s a day during a conversation I was asked, “if you were in some deep deep trouble, do you know whom you would call?” Of course they cancelled the parents from that equation, although ideally, they are on my speed dial. I hesitated at first, then I listed my handful.
Although at the back of my mind, I was still like, “would they?” Then I was like, “would I?” Do they even know that I would come through for them? Do I know that they would come through for me? And it’s not that they have never come through for me – perhaps I have laid down a card or two. It’s just not a conversation we’ve actively had and truly reassured each other that we would be there for each other. And even then, I don’t know the intensity of what they would come through for me for, neither do I know at what point I would reach out and versa.
I am kind of used to handling stuff by myself. If I am going through a trying period, I will first deal with it by myself. Then when it gets to that point where I am unable, I will really think who I can rope into this, someone who would understand what I am going through and has the capacity to guide. I will do it in small bits and pieces until they pick up the hints that I need them. I won’t blatantly go like this is what it is and this is what I want from you, which could come off as immature. I like being in control and I hate the feeling I get when I am not. I feel extremely vulnerable. And I would feel even worse if say I feel confident that this is the person I want to be there, and then they’re not. Then I would go back to square one, which is try deal with it by myself once again.
So what I do to make up for that is hope that I will be there at the very least 80% (I’m being realistic here, but if 100% can be done, why not?) for my tribe of people when they need me. And I would do everything within my capability to be there. While at it, I am hoping that for me;
- I am able to grow my emotional intelligence, so that I can be able to let my people in soon enough without overthinking it. I almost always overthink it, then I hold back! I just need to let it all out, regardless.
- I will be able to be okay with those that I want to be there, but are not able to be there for one reason or another and not being afraid to tell them again that I need them when I do.
- I will preferably be specific as to how I want them to be there for me. Because most time we know, we just shy away because we’re being vulnerable.
- I will be able to engage in sensitive conversations without feeling like I always have to keep my guard up always or that my people do. It’s not a must that you say that “I am fine” or “I am okay” when you’re not. Be honest with yourself and your people, and you will always feel lighter, because they will understand. At least they should.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.