By losing yourself, I mean the essence of who you are. I believe that in most cases, this doesn’t usually happen voluntarily, you just find yourself in situations that slowly suck the life out of you, instead of breathing life into you. And I say this in the most literal sense. I am the kind of person who’s very accommodative of people and their different personalities.
I have always managed, for some reason (and I think this is it), to get along with most of the people I interact with. There’s a time I was telling my friend, how I am struggling to fit in somewhere and her response had me shook, but it was to some extent true, even though I struggled dealing with the fear of facing rejection. She said, “You know the thing Kawi, is that you have never experienced people not liking you. You’re liked by most people who interact with you.”
I take my time to observe how someone behaves and then based on my observation and my experience with the person(s), I will start finding myself doing things that accommodate them. Especially if I am drawn to them. So if say the person prefers that people stay silent, even if I am chirpy, I will find myself just going silent. I always find joy in seeing the people who are around me being comfortable being themselves. Even if it means suppressing who I am so that I accommodate who they are. Somehow, I work around it just for ease of interaction and so that there’s no tension in the relationship. I never thought much about it, because it was a natural thing for me to do.
Until it got to a point where I really want to be myself and I find that I cannot, because the person I have become to accommodate this person(s) is a complete opposite of who I truly am. I don’t think it even ever occurred to me then, and by then I mean before this mid this year. I just wondered why I am this person when I am in this space and then I am a completely different person when in this other space. And in one space, I would be genuinely pleased being there and being the free spirit that I am, when I am and in another space, I am struggling to exist. It’s not that I am sad, but I have to contain myself. And for that reason, I feel suppressed and like I am held captive, because I have to watch what I am saying, what I am wearing or what I am doing.
It was a sad thing to realize that was the kind of person I am, because what was bringing me joy was unhealthy for my well being. I have been working so hard to reverse it now. And I think the most difficult thing to do is to work on yourself. One of my remedies has been to evaluate myself when I am different spaces and then see whether it’s fueling me to be me or nah. If it’s on the negative, I make a mental note and try to figure out what about it made me feel that way. Or what exactly I wanted out of it by doing the most not to be myself and to accommodate this other person(s). And gradually, I start letting go.
It’s something that takes time, but if you have to constantly be apologetic for being yourself then you’re in not in the right space. And my consolation is that the world is so big to accommodate everyone. So I really don’t have to please everyone. Unlike before, I have come to accept that it’s okay not to be liked by those that are not ready to accommodate me. There will be a set of people who can accommodate me for who I am as much as I accommodate them for who they are. That for me is a safe space. Click To Tweet It’s a space where I can freely be me around the people I care for. And these people can also freely be themselves around me. Click To Tweet That’s where I want to be, and who I want to be with.