In My Defence

Defense or Defence … Defensive or Defencive? To be American or British in spelling? Maybe we should just Africanise to eliminate this unnecessary tough decisions…lol

There are those times when you feel the need to protect yourself from other people’s thoughts? When you say something and someone gets it all wrong or they something about you and you feel, “No! I am like that because of this?”.

I have this trait called “in my defence”, where I want to display my case and explain it a bit further, just to make things a bit clear, be judged a bit less or worse, try to seem perfect. So that we can at least be on the same wavelength, catch the same frequency and all that comes with it. However, that’s not how it is in the real world, that happens in my head. It plays out pretty well so to say.

In my quest to making you understand what I am trying to say, instead of making things better. You guessed that right, I make things wrong. I dissect my thoughts and bring out aspects that the other party hadn’t even thought of and it just gets worse with every explanation. As innocently as it came out, guilt engulfs it and it gets twisted all over again. Which now makes me wonder, “in my defence” is not working as intended or not defending me as I thought.

Holding onto that wonder, it comes to my attention that one can never be perfect, in as much as you try to be. You’ll always look imperfect in the eyes of other people and almost always to your yourself … except of course when you beat your expectations, for a moment there your feel like a ninja. This is whether you like it or not, so best get used to it soon enough. To you, everything could be alright but to others you’re doing it all wrong. Basically, your goodness to someone or anyone is very subjective, you can only do so much. The rest is dependent on what they think or perceive of you or even the mood they are in.

Do things to the best of your ability, put your mind and heart into it, past that, there’s nothing more you can do to get through to someone. Just let it it be and let them react as is. If they are happy with you, awesome. If not, at least you did your best. Ain’t it?

Now that I have reached my brink with this trait, this is me wanting to drop that defensive habit. To see if the earth will continue rotating if I do. Let’s make it achievable and say at least for two weeks, I should make it my objective. I say what I mean and let the recipient think on their own. If they think what I don’t mean, too bad; if they relate to what I am saying, even better.

Signing Off ~~~ *Kawi*