You can listen to the audio or you can read the post.
After my last post, one of my readers asked, “How is your married life? You hardly talk about it, tips?” To be honest, I cringed as soon as I read the comment and I still haven’t responded to her query to date. Why you may wonder? Well, it’s simply because I didn’t have an appropriate answer, besides the fact that I am recently separated. As in, yes, it’s a wrap! So I let the question sink in and marinate as I figured out to how go about it.
You’ve technically been a part of my life, especially if you’ve been a reading my blog since I started out, back in 2009, when I was so young, naïve and all over the place to when I am now older, partially mature and somewhat settled. I know there are a couple of you that have continued to read all the nonsense that I still write here. You even ask me why I don’t write as frequently as I used to any more. So it’s only fair for me to keep you up to date. Then there are times when I have had some self-doubt and I start wondering what keeps you coming back. It’s not like I have that much fun content, or at least I haven’t had that for some time now.
I knew that once I say this, it will arouse some curiosity and of course you’ll want to know things like, ‘what happened’ or ‘what went wrong’, ‘but you guys looked so happy and cute together’, ‘you were the last couple I thought would separate’ and all those kind of sentiments that come about with such a reveal. And I completely understand because firstly, it’s human nature, and secondly, if I put myself in your shoes, I would also want to know what exactly happened to a friend, a peer, a colleague, a stranger even, just because. Not that knowing what happened would necessarily add much value to one’s life besides satisfying the curiosity.
However, some of these huge rocks in the ocean are best left unmoved and unturned. You just let it stay there to act as a reminder that it once existed and was a big part of your life even if it’s now inactive. Every story has two sides to it and if I give you my side only, that would be pretty unfair to the other party. What I would say in confidence is that the problem was never the marriage in itself or the institution of marriage; it was the two individuals in it. And most of these issues that lead to separation exist even way before the wedding and consecutively marriage. It’s just that we choose to downplay them or turn a blind eye on them, only for them to magnify when you are now settling in marriage. The first and second year are usually a whoosh, so you’re caught up in other things to focus on your issues.
It then gets to a point where the issues just linger and they’re staring back at you like, “do something about it or we’ll do something about it.” Then when you don’t, they become so deep-rooted that they make you have a certain type of resentment towards each other and it becomes almost impossible to reconcile with each other. The damage has been done, egos have been bruised and the next natural thing to do is just become indifferent to the situation and to each other. It’s a tough place to be, because you lose yourselves. You’re each trying to be who you are not, at least I was. You somehow want to show the other person that despite all this I am strong enough, I am capable of taking care of things and I am not even lonely by the way, I’m good. You don’t want to display your vulnerability to this person, because you feel like you don’t even matter to them anymore, it’s not like they care anyway.
And when it got to that point, we were forced to apply our wisdom, should we hold on or should we let go?
Of course a lot of factors come to play at that point, and depending on the foundation that your relationship is set on, you can break the unnecessary walls you have created, face the issues head on and deal with them and continue building your relationship with the right materials and equipment. And I believe this would make you even more understanding of each other and more invested in the relationship. Problems are inevitable, everyone has them. Let no one ever fool you that you will be in a relationship with no problems. It’s how you choose to deal with them that makes you or breaks you. You have to be mature about it. You also have to want to be in it in the first place.
Alternatively, you can evaluate the issues and be honest with yourselves and with each other, that it won’t really work out, because of this and that, and then allow each other to go ahead and live their best lives. It’s not written in stone that you have to force a union when you both can clearly see that you are not one. Sometimes the best thing to do for the people you love and care for is to actually let them go.
I realized that this is something I had to deal with for me to be able to open up my mind to other things. That’s the downside of being a creator – writer/blogger, you have to deal with your demons or else they encumber you. I am not doing this to get some sympathy from you, but just so that you don’t have to wonder what’s going on with me anymore now that I left a lot to your imagination.
I have taken the time as well to deal with the reality that this has been and I am still coming to terms with all of it, one day at a time. But now that I can write about it and let you in on it, then we’re in the right direction. So to answer the question my lovely reader asked, that’s the reason I stopped writing about my marriage or marriage for that matter. I was also trying to figure it out. And then I didn’t, but I know I will someday, hopefully with someone else. Now I can write about relationships, because you live and you learn and I think I have a thing or two I can share every once in a while 😉