Listening to More Than What’s Being Said

because we're keeping it real.

A couple of months back, a friend during an event asked me if I had something going on with me because my posts were a bit darker than my usual. Then, I didn’t think much about it, because I felt she might have been reading too much into what I was writing. So I brushed it off, because I knew for sure it wasn’t showing even though I was feeling it. But deep inside I was like, “you’re way too observant for your own good.” She was listening (in this case reading) to what I was not saying. That was that. We moved on with our lives.

Then come the time I was trying to figure out what content to post for the coming weeks, and my mind was in such a dark place that I felt that if I wrote anything, I would just expose myself for real now. Ha ha. The thing with being a blogger, and a lifestyle one for that matter is that sometimes it’s difficult to separate what’s going on in your personal life (irrational) vis a vis the rational/well-balanced things that you want to actually share in the public domain. You feel like you’re playing yourself because your mind is at a tag of war. Should I post what I am really feeling? (But the consequences: What will people think about it? Will they read into it? Will they ask me what’s going on? Will they judge me? Will they talk about what I have said/written in hush tones?) OR Should I just be pretentious and post rational/well-balanced things. Everyone is supposed to have their shit together anyway, so it’s nice when people read that things are good in your neck of the woods, whether or not they are. (The consequences: People will envy your life and they will probably want to be like you, they will look up to you, and you will definitely sound like a mature adult).

In most cases, the prescription which I don’t administer to myself, is that you’re better off keeping off your platforms until when things have cooled down and your mind is in a calmer place, than when it’s on overdrive, because at that point you will not know how to deal with either. The real you or the pretentious you. Remember issa tag of war of war going on in there.

The digital world gives me so much life (especially when I am not in the presence of the people who give me life and even when I am) and most of the time I can’t keep off. So this season, I chose to go with the real route. I decided I’ll be posting what I am thinking and sometimes feeling. Of course in a way that upholds my dignity and presents me as a well-balanced person (haha), but at the same time not being pretentious of the fact that I don’t think about things, or that I don’t question things or that I don’t see or hear things. Sometimes we hold back because of fear of being judged, but everyone is going through something, and that’s the beauty and ugliness of life.

The more you hold it in, the more you feel like you could explode.

So I am teaching myself to not fear being judged and to stand for what I believe in (as long it upholds my values and principals). And there are people whom I follow on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram who are real as real gets, and I appreciate that, I appreciate them. I could mention them but that would be so intrusive. But they ask real questions, they say what they’re really feeling, and they don’t care what others think about it. I enjoy following them and I enjoy reading their content. Shout out to Abigail Arunga, Author of Akello, and Lanji Ouko, Author of Her Roots (which I am currently reading).

Real is liberating. I love real.

Sometimes you genuinely just want to question why life is the way it is, why things don’t work out the way they should, or why adulting is more difficult that we thought it would be, and you want to do it without being asked what’s going on with you? Because sometimes you are dealing with an array of things that life is throwing your way, you’re rolling with those punches and most of the time those things you’re dealing with don’t even make sense.

You want people (your friends, your peers, your acquaintances) to understand that you are human and that life is not a straight path. It has potholes, it has curves, it has junctions or branches into two or more paths. And sometimes you can take the wrong path thinking it’s the right one only to reach a dead end, and you’re forced to go back try the other one that you dismissed. Plot twists. And it’s okay. It’s absolutely okay.

Well, on things real. Today is World Afro Day! And in as much as I currently have a love-hate relationship with my Afro, there are days that it actually thrives without much manipulation. Strange that on the day that I took this picture I didn’t think it looked all that. Chances are that I felt like it was a mess and it wasn’t sitting right. But now I am like, “Dang gurrrl!”. And life is exactly like that.

It might not look pretty now or it might not make sense now, but a few days/months/years down the lane, you’ll look back and you’ll see it all differently. From a different perspective. Maybe it will even make sense. Maybe.

I’m so happy it’s Friday, because the weekend is here. Have a beautiful one. Go forth and prosper!

Stay Inspired,
Kawi