It feels like I’ve entered a room with new people, new faces and I have to re-introduce myself to you. First of all, I am really sorry that I had distanced myself from you. You can imagine this is how I have been for the last couple of months. On and off, on and off, and just when I think I’m completely on, I go off again. I’m trying so hard to stay on, to find my footing, and to find joy in the things I enjoyed doing.
It’s been a rough last couple of months to be honest, still is. Sometimes when I get home, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, allow my mind to wander into nothingness and while at it, I imagine, “if I went through this day and I made it, then I can definitely go through another.” And it’s been one day at a time. Wake up, work, eat, sleep, and repeat.
Some days are good and others, I’m barely surviving! But, we wanted to become adults and this is what adulting is all about. You’re constantly in the battlefield, fighting everyone including yourself. Just when you think the war is over and you’re laying down your ammo about to throw a party for your victory… you know how it goes! It’s a vicious cycle!
Yo! I’ve missed this so much though. I’ve missed writing, for you and for myself. I wanted to take stock of my present, but heh! As I was answering filling in those blanks, I realized that if I put the real answers there I might be exposing my vulnerability, so let us pass for now. I might do it at the end of this month. However, I still want to share and I want to get back to writing a little more regularly.
The space I am in at the moment is quite dark, because things have been going left, left and more left. You know that stage in your life where you ask yourself questions like, “umm, what just happened?”, “what’s the hell is going on?”, “how did I get myself into this?”, “what other options are there?”, “what do I do now?”, “why is it so tough?”, “what was I thinking?”, “what can I do to turn things around?”, “why am I feeling like this?”, “what am I scared of?”, “what is this struggle even teaching me?” My mind has been on overdrive trying to find answers to all these questions, which I technically have no answer to or if I do, they’re tucked in somewhere in my brain and I have been scared of giving those questions the real answers.
A couple of you have been asking me why I haven’t written a blog post in a long time, and that’s the reason. This was meant to be a space driven by positive vibes, but it’s been tough channeling those positive vibes when all I feel and experience is a lot of negative vibes.
Now, the one thing that I have noticed that has kept me sane this season is having conversations and just talking it out. It has been tough, because I would prefer to lock myself up and cry it out or wallow in my sadness and self-pity and then wake up and pretend that all is good even when it’s not. Tough it out!
These conversations have been with trusted friends, sometimes strangers, because some strangers get you, but even more importantly, with a therapist. I used to joke about it, saying I will see one just for the sake of it, until I realized the importance. It gets to a point where you can’t make sense of things on your own and you need a person to help you do it. This person helps you unpack your thoughts, those scary thoughts that are tucked away, that aren’t meant to see the light of day. They make you feel like a normal human, experiencing normal problems that can be gradually worked on. They initiate your journey to mental wellness.
Let me tell you guys, the mind is a powerful organ. So powerful that what you feed it, is what it will produce. If you feed it with negative things, it will produce negative things. It will produce inability, incapability, hopelessness, helplessness, feebleness, delicateness and the list goes on. I have suffered anxiety for the first time in my lifetime. I used to think anxiety was the butterflies you get before a big presentation or an interview. Then one day my salivary glands stopped producing saliva at times when I need it most i.e. when talking, because I was in constant panic mode. Where I am talking and there’s no saliva in my mouth. Also, that is the day I discovered the purpose of the saliva in your mouth. Don’t take these little things for granted.
I have a friend who keeps reminding me that if we were to look at the universe in its entirety, you’re a speck, like a little tiny thing that has little or no significance. I mean, who knows? So remember that everyone in this universe when seen from that perspective is a speck. I play that picture in my mind every time I start feeling less of a person, because someone has implied that I am or they are questioning my intelligence.
In this season, I am learning to deliberately protect my mental space, because it’s my driver. The body is the vehicle; but the mind is the driver. If the mind fails, then I crash! And no one can tell how soft or hard the crash will be.