While Away

Grabs door handle, slowly pushes it open and peeks into the room engulfed in darkness as the poor squeaky door begs for some grease and constant use. Inside, cob webs hang pretty like chandeliers and boy aren’t the arachnids and insects having a field day. It’s a party up in there, until the pooper pops in with the a dusting broom *sneeze…cough*. Dem! That was one-hell-of-a mound of dust!

woman-opening-door

You know when you’ve been away for a while, but somehow you want that when you come back there’s someone home still waiting for you. This is me hoping that there’s someone still here. I hope you’ve been well though? Sometimes life is just too fast-paced or almost complicated that we are unable for one reason or another to just chill out and smell the coffee or jot down a post.

While away, I was thinking about ‘anonymity’ or ‘getting yourself out there’. There are times you want to be that person under the rock. Living in your own world the way you know best. No one is looking at you or up to you, no one wants to know what’s going on, you’re just as private as you get. You want to look at the world, but you don’t want to look back at you. That’s being anonymous. Then there are other times, you want to be that person standing on the same rock. You want people to see you for who you are, for them to know that you’re there, look up to you for your strengths, look for you even. That’s getting yourself out there.

We tend to think that either of the two actions are linked to your personality. Like if you’re the introvert, you’re most likely into being anonymous and if you’re the extrovert, you’re want to get yourself out there. Well, I think it’s more about how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking of yourself at a particular time or moment, more than it is someone’s personality which almost a constant. At least I tend to think that of myself. If it’s personality wise, then I am an in-between-er, with a little more extrovert traits than introvert traits – then again, nah, that sounds so serious.

I want to ‘get myself out there’ when I am confident in myself, who I am and what I do. I can comfortably say it without having doubts in what I am saying, because I can always back it up with my actions. I don’t mind someone complimenting me or looking up to me, because if I were them, I would also feel the same about me. It’s me on a high, with the “I can’t take up anything that comes my way, just bring it on” attitude. And it somehow translates to my mood as well, that’s the day I’m all chatty, smiley, splashed with colour, you know just out there.

It’s like a woman, a pretty woman to be precise (not that I say there are any ugly ones). You know women with make-up, we put it on to make us feel a little more beautiful. It enhances some of our features or conceals some others, basically it helps us flatter ourselves. When you compliment a woman’s look with her make-up on, if she believes in herself, she’ll be take in the compliment and it’ll make her feel better about herself – if she could, she would conquer the world. But when she doesn’t believe in herself, she’ll think you just complimented her because she has make-up on and not because she actually really looks the part – she’ll go back to the mirror to confirm what you just said or there’s a possibility of some lipstick stain on her tooth.

The times that I want to be anonymous, is when I’m just flatly unsure of myself, you know not sure what I’m up to or about  – lots of self-doubt, kinda like the woman who goes back to the mirror.  I want to crawl under that rock and stay there until I can figure myself out. I don’t want people to see me for what I’m not, or something I don’t want be. I don’t want someone to look up to me where I’m also not getting it right, I want to get it right first or be sure that I’m on the right course. Definitely me on my low, I just want to keep to myself and share the least possible with people.

For a moment there I was trying to be anonymous and it’s not working. I miss being here, and now I’m getting out there again. For the one – two compliments on the snippets, thank you! It definitely made me think it’s about time I just gathered my wits, changed the music I was listening to (same playlist for a couple of days, OK weeks, maybe that another way I deal with my kind of low) and go back to sharing my thoughts.

Anonymous, Being out there
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Signing Off ~~~ *Kawi*