While Trying To Figure Myself Out.

You know the reason I love this platform so much and why I have consistently put out a post week in week out (even when sometimes it’s a real struggle, like this and last week), it’s because it makes me realize that life is a cycle of feelings and events. That what I am feeling or experiencing at this point, chances are that I have experienced it before or better yet, someone else has gone through the same experience. And it becomes more bearable through shared experiences and deriving lessons from what you’ve gone through. I mean, like here’s a post – The Uncomfortable Comfort Zone – that I did in March.

And because of that, I decided that this time round I will just pour out what I am feeling here, like if you were to ask me “how’s Kawi doing today?” I won’t say “I’m great,” though technically I am great. I am healthy, I am happy and my family is happy too. What more could ask for? Well, I am at that point in my life where I am quite conflicted about who I truly am, what I made up of and what positive impact I can make around me through what I do.

A good read over lunch. I had packed my favorite meal - Ugali, Sukuma Wiki and Beef Stew.
A good read over lunch, with my chocolate covered notepad. I had packed my favorite meal – Ugali, Sukuma Wiki and Beef (fry) Stew.

I earlier thought I had it figured it out and I probably had it figured for that period. I was on that straight path, you know, just happily prancing around and enjoying what that path has to offer. Then all of a sudden I am staring at a cross road trying to figure out whether to go straight, left or right. I have to keep moving, but where to go? I don’t want to to take a turn just for the sake of it. I want to go there because I’m adding value where I am headed or because my input will create a positive impact for those who are in that space with me and even better, for those who are looking up to me in one way or another.

“We end up in that situation where we have that scripted life that everyone seems to be living going up this ladder to nowhere. We keep reaching for something that doesn’t mean anything to us but we keep doing it because everyone said we’re supposed to.” ~ Scott Dinsmore

I have been trying to think of what triggered this feeling and it’s today that I have actually realized that I am just 1 month shy of 30. Gah! A tipping point. A point where I am feeling I could do more than I am doing and be more than what I am. I don’t want to limit myself just yet and I feel like I had started limiting myself just from how I think of myself and my potential.

You know how when as a teenager you were entering puberty and you had some serious growth spurts overnight. Ha. Where you had pants that fit you so well, and you could have sworn you wore them the other day but now all of a sudden they can’t go through your thighs or can’t reach your ankles “don’t touch my ankles” or a blouse that was such a perfect fit has its buttons about to pop out of your chest. That’s me right now, though not literally.

I feel like I’m growing out of myself and I need to see myself from a fresh perspective. I don’t think this is even about the external. So it’s not about buying things (which I easily could, shopping is such therapy, even though I am not a big fan) to fill up my space or to make me feel better about myself. It’s about my internal. This time round, I feel like it’s about being more vulnerable and putting myself out there for who I truly am from the core.

Not trying to sugar coat stuff because that’s what I think someone wants to read or hear. I want to pursue things that make me come alive. If I love it, then I do; if I’m good at it, then I am; if I am terrible at it, then heck I am, and I deal with it. And I will let that inform the decisions I make. I will also identify my tribe of people who can give me genuine feedback and not take it personally. Because I realize to grow, I need to know ‘for true’ who I am – from my own perspective and from those around me too.

Those around you see some things that you don’t see about yourself, things that speak so much to your personality and to your prospects/vision. The good and the bad as well.

I have been struggling to write for the last few weeks because I felt this was coming in the way of my thoughts. And I shared this feeling with a few of my friends. And there’s one, Mark Kaigwa, who remarkably told me, “just leave it there, I understand what you’re going through. Now just get this book, and then let me know when you’re done.” So my current read is The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. I am glad that I interacted with him regarding my “situation.” Can’t wait to finish the book and have a chat with him about it.

There’s a day I just needed a lot of inspiration because I had these intense feelings of what I have described above. Then I stumbled on Scott Dinsmore’s TED Talk “How to Find and Do Work That You Love.” If you feel like you’re in this space like I am, just watch it, he says some things that we forget and need to be reminded of every so often.

“And there is no bigger life hack in the history of the world from getting where you are today to where you want to be than the people you choose to put in your corner. They change everything, and it’s a proven fact.” Scott Dinsmore

ION, it’s Christmas week and I am excited about it 🙂

Signing Off ~~~ *Kawi*